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August 20, 2002

Ya know...

I really wonder sometimes about my life.

Like #1...I have this weblog that really is not normal. It's more of an online diary/complaining area. I know I should have links to cool places everyday & stuff...but I just don't have the time. Plus if I started doing that than I'd feel like I had to do it everyday & I'd get freaked out when I didn't have time to look for cool links, & I'd stop posting. It's happened before. I really don't even surf the net that much anymore. I sit here & play games. Online, offline what ever... for some reason I think it relaxes me.

#2 Seriously...am I losing my mind? Why do things little tiny thing irritate the hell out of my lately? Like right now I'm typing & Brayden says "Who are you talking to?" Well, I'm not "talking" to anybody in particular right now...not that it's any of your business. He gets that from his dad who gets all pissy when I have IM on when he's home...like I can only have a conversation with him...when they all go so well lately.

#3 Why, why, why do I have to adjust my entire life for everybody else everyday? For example... I am on anti-depressants AND anti-anxiety medication because... I guess my lifes not everything I had hoped?...I don't know. But Bobs attitude is (now that I just took my last pill & don't have an extra $75 for more this month)...well why do you need those anyhow? Just stop taking them. I bet they're bad for you." Ya. thanks. It's a really good idea to stop taking anti-depressants cold-turkey. He really doesn't understand that he's like 99% of the reason I'm taking them. :confused

Point B here... my sleeping habits suck. I come home from work...the boys are still awake & hungry. Then Miranda wants me to read to her & sleep in her bed because she's scared. Then Brayden busts into her bedroom wanting me to come sleep in the living room because he's too scared to sleep in his own room. I mean, I'm sure this is all my fault because I do it all the time! I let them... & for some reason I too am uneasy when they sleep in another room... like if someone broke in or there was a fire...I don't know. So...I travel from room to room all night upon everyone's whim. I wake up in the morning & am usually surprised where I am. Sometimes I sleep in my bed, but that doesn't last long either. I know I need to just make them all sleep alone, but I am always too tired to do anything about it...so I put it off for another day. :gurn

#4 I go through my life everyday telling myself that someday...someday I'm going to have the life I wanted. The job I want... the nice husband that I really deserve... someone that cares about me as much as himself. Then I wonder, I mean really wonder if that's all just a big joke. If people get married & they lose their own identity & just live for everyone else. If there is no true happy marriage. Because mine is not awful. I really do love him a lot. I mean we've been together almost 11 years now...that has to count for something. Right? Funny thing is...we have nothing in common. Just the kids. That's it. He drinks, I don't. Mostly because I can't. Someone has to stay sober around here. If we go out (usually Christmas parties since we have no social life) someone has to drive...ya know? I smoke. He doesn't. We listen to different music totally...we like different movies. He's outdoorsy, I'm not. He likes dogs, I like cats. He likes sports...I don't. I like people...he hates people. I swear. Aacck... so the only time I get out of the house & do anything is when I go to work. Which isn't the greatest place to be right now either.

Which brings me to #5. Work. I hate it. I suppose if I was Greek & could do anything I wanted there like some of the other people there...it wouldn't be so bad... You know... pick which customers you want, if you want to take a new table or not...if you want to eat while you're at work, take a break, use the flippin' phone...whatever. Nope, gotta be Greek. But no, I'm just a normal American working in a Greek restaurant without all the privileges. So there's that going on while all the cooks/dishwashers talk about me in Spanish & I have no idea what they are saying...

Ok, I guess that's enough venting for now. I have to get dressed & do the dishes, clean the kitchen, do wash, clean the bathroom, & make sure the kids get ready to go to the movies with my mom... I work again tonight I'm not off until Thursday. Which means I am working tomorrow on my birthday. :whyme

Posted by Jewels at August 20, 2002 10:17 AM

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